Goodbye man

So the news that I wanted to hear, and have been imagining to receive, finally arrives. Yes, he is back in the dating game, back to his quest of searching for a woman to fulfill his life. What do I say except ‘I’m happy for you man’? Nothing I suppose. That’s all that I need to say. Am I upset? Not really. Sad? Yes maybe. But there’s nothing left to do so it’s time to let go.

Time to say bid farewell pet, and you are gonna be okay. Yes you will.

La la la

I know I know. I have abandoned this blog as much and as long as I have abandoned my feeling. Too busy pampering and comforting a confused soul mine got totally burnt out. Who is to blame? My fricking pathetic self I must say. Okay truth be told, I’m not good with opening up my essence and put it onto display. Even so if no one’s to read it but me. Last two weeks have been a crazy and perplexing. Mr P has taken me in a roller-coaster ride and left me baffled. I want to believe that we are okay, we are cool, and he is just going through a phase. He is scared of being loved yet he doesn’t want to be alone. He wants to have somebody in his life yet he can’t let go of his ‘own’ space. He wants to have that bond with someone yet he is afraid of commitments. The question is – is it really a phase that he is going through, or was he born to never get off this phase in his life? I am no smart ass I wouldn’t know the answer. But one thing for sure I have started to get tired of it. What do I do then? Keep waiting for a miracle to happen? Maybe I should start with asking myself – what do I want from this? Do I want him to come back and make my life miserable like he did and always does? Or… what? Is there anything else?

Time heals... NOT!

Ok my last entry before the most anticipated long weekend arrives. This week has been a funny one. Mixed emotions? Lol. What a crap. For some reason (not necessarily valid) I think I’m being ignored. I mean, I never questioned and always successful in pretending like I didn’t care, which is pretty cool. Guys don’t like to be pressured, or monitored, as much as they don’t like to be bothered about other’s feelings too. Fantastic creature eh?

I know I act stupid. Maybe I AM possessive. But I got a feeling that he’s doing it again. He has chickened out. Just when everything seems to be falling at the right places and we are getting comfortable again. He doesn’t like this. Because he couldn’t accept the fact that this silly woman is the perfect one for him. Ha! Look I know I have flaws.. but he has more! He thinks I put a curse on him. A voodoo spell. What? I am mad, but I am not mental man. You are not that special to be voodooed. Come on. No matter how hard you try you’ll figure that you belong with me anyhow!

Well the truth is I just hate it when we don’t speak. It has become a routine and I’m addicted. And I’m sure you agree that it feels good when you are able to share the hot and not in your life with someone you trust. Someone you care about. You feel loved right? And just the thought of this person is ignoring you kill your soul. Honestly I’m petrified. I hate to love you but please don’t go. I mean if you have to let me know. I can’t read signals. I hate signals. It makes me feeling anxious. I wish I can ask you “Are you leaving me again?” and I’m sure you’ll think I’m a psycho right away. What do I do?

And there comes Valentine’s. Evil evil Valentine’s. Last year you had dinner with your bestie on V-Day. Oh I still remember. At least she’s taken and I don’t have to worry. But what about this year? Will you go out with that Chinese chick? Will you hook up? Will you let me know if you do? Please talk to me. I hate begging. Oh swell I wish you well. I’m gonna see mommy and eat like a pig and shall forgot about all this by then. Time heals. No?

Trouble is a friend

Ok so I have few minutes left thus I decided to update my blog with something. Well not really. I wanted to let it out, not much, but enough so my chest will have more room to breathe air. I think I figured out what your problem is.

It's selfishness. That’s all. And that’s it.

Frankly, I’ve never met anyone quite like you. Your selfishness is way beyond the whole world men’s ego. Your world revolves around you and YOU only. How can that be? I thought you have a degree in psychology or something. Don’t you suppose to understand people feelings? It looks like anything and everything that doesn’t have the word ‘I’ or related to you in some form are pointless to you am I right? If it’s not about you then swoosh it goes into the drain. Right away. It seems that your intellectual mind simply can’t process those and rejected the input immediately. It’s like you have a filter in your brain or something that just CANNOT register anything that is not about you! Grr am so upset!!

Look I wish I can tell you this to your face ; Sometimes, those things which you think aren’t important to you, IS the biggest concern for the person who cares about you. The person who you turn to whenever you have doubts, troubles, problems, and uncertainties about anything and everything in your life. The person that you share your happiness, regrets, sadness and joy. The person who always stands beside you, comfort you, ease your trouble for you.. and crazy enough to love you unconditionally. Hence why is it SO hard for you to show your little concern about this person? Just a little? Just a BIT???

And you know what, the longer I stare at this entry, the more I want to delete it. Because that’s me. I can’t hold my anger to you long enough. Long enough so that I can hate you for real. . Long enough so that I can dismiss you from my life forever. Long enough so that I can delete you from my memory for good. And who or what do I blame? Your texts?? Ones that you sent every time after you being such a jerk and you know it? Or the way you make me feel special in an oddest mean?

It is such a waste. What can be the greatest find for both of us is buried by our egos.

It's the Job.

Seriously, I am insane. I shouldn't be bothered, but I did. I have promised myself many many times that I will let go and I believed that I had and yet, I am back at square one. Why am I doing this to myself? is it because I have no better things to do? Ok, so that means; my job is to blame. If only they can give me a lot more stuff to do to bust my ass off.
Oh I missed 'blogging' yesterday! Is that normal? Am I allowed to miss it? Well I was kinda busy okay? I'm sorry. I had to be at the bosses from 10.30am to 5pm. With no lunch!! What kind of job is that? A sucky one. And when I got back, guess what I did? Yep, I hacked into someone else's FB profile and it made me tasted my own medicine. I saw something in there that upsets me. And whose fault is that again? MOI. Yes me. Serves me right. I had no rights to invade one's privacy and good lord, I even had the guts to bombard the poor victim with my vicious texts afterwards!!
So now you know. I'm a bad, bad girl. I deserve the sucky job.

Madness

Alright, my first try. Shouldn’t be that hard since I love writing. I love it. I wrote my first short story when I was 14 and it was published in the local teen magazine. And it was THE most popular teen magazine mind you! Thou a short lived one. Sigh. Okay so what brings me to this madness? Writing a blog! Oh my, I never had thought I would do it, cause I’m sure nobody would read it but me. But its ok I think, that’s the original reason why blog is created in the first place. It’s meant to be like a diary! For yourself to read and to express your feelings! So how do I feel now? Dead boring. DEAD b.o.r.i.n.g. This place is not for me. This new office is practically killing my personality. I don’t belong here. I’ll turn into someone I don’t know if I stay here .. let say, for another 2 months. So why I took up this position in a first place? Cos my old dept is winding up, and they ditched me mercilessly. Well not really that's too dramatic. At least they found me a new place, so I can survive and continue paying my credit card debts. Althou it's a dumpster. Hmmm... well come to think about it. They put me in a dumpster which pays me 10% higher! And this job requires me to do nothing at all!! well at least for now. And that answers my own question. Why am I here again?